Light Penetrates All

Amidst the darkness there is eventually light. A light shone upon me today and I was a little more relaxed, a bit more positive and I enjoyed the mundane things I did. It gives me hope that by writing, I am beginning to unveil more of who I am and what makes me feel better. When I write, I feel less anxious. I feel less worried and more in control of what’s to come. If I write the worry down it’s no longer living in my head and if it’s a positive thought, I put it out into the universe by writing it down.

I felt a bit more connected to those around me. I felt more peaceful and aware in a good way of how I treat those around me, especially my fiancé. We had a really good day, lots of laughs and not a single argument. Whenever we have great days like these, I love having sex with him because our connection feels stronger. We ended the day on such a lovely note.

Tomorrow I will continue to practice love towards myself and others. I will be grateful for the wonderful life I have and the true love I’ve found. I have every single important thing a woman needs in life. I have independence, a thriving business, a wonderful relationship where I’m treasured and taken care and loved ones who adore me. What if instead of focusing on the worst that could happen, I imagined the best thing that could happen as a result of my actions? It’s all about perspective so maybe it would change things? I’ll report back tomorrow, if the key to happiness was as simple as being grateful, everyone would be doing it.

xx Dahlia

Anger.

I feel this emotion frequently, specifically in relation to my amazing, incredible, loving fiance Cody. No, he’s not abusive in any way, in fact he spoils me infinitely and always wants to love on me. He puts everything on his back and is exactly the kind of person I always dreamed of spending my life with. But, I often feel irritated by him,m especially when he doesn’t pull his weight around the house. Okay, that’s valid. Sometimes, I feel irritated and he hasn’t done anything at all. He’s just existing. Why can’t I just be kind to him? It’s free for fucks sake. Then I feel guilty for snapping at him and use sex to make things better…toxic much?

I can’t keep living like this. I can’t keep hurting the person I love the most because of my inability to control my emotions. We’re supposed to spend the rest of our lives together, I can see the future so clearly. I just have to figure out how the fuck to change, he’s not going to put up with me forever. He’s so sweet and understanding too, he’ll even apologize when in reality, I’m the bitch that should be apologizing.

When I think about the root of it all, I think of my mother and father’s relationship. Growing up, it seemed like my mom’s sole purpose was to pick a fight with my dad. Her one MO was always to victimize herself. They would argue constantly about anything and everything. She would become offended at the simplest things and lash out on him and he would end up apologizing. He would do things to piss her off, like purposefully being obtuse, lying about his whereabouts and spending all their money on himself. There was screaming, tears, insults, no violence but all that was more than enough to traumatize anyone. They would go weeks without speaking and then one day we would wake up to see them all loved up. It was a roller coaster.

I often think I’m subconsciously emulating this same relationship. I want so badly not to, so badly. Is step one just the realization that I don’t want to be like them? It seems like step one is the easiest and changing my actual ingrained behavior is the hardest. How do you undo 3 decades of this? Obviously, therapy. But other than that, what else?

Stay tuned, maybe I’ll have an answer to all these rhetorical questions in tomorrow’s post.

xx Dahlia

Welcome to my Diary

I’m sitting here at 9 pm, thinking about how I don’t want it to be tomorrow so that I don’t have to face my responsibilities. In theory, I like my career. In practice, I hate dealing with everyone’s problems. I sympathize but it’s so overwhelming to manage the problems of so many people with mental health issues. Sometimes I wonder if the reason I dread it is because it drains me of my energy, it doesn’t give me energy. When I really think about it, I’m not doing too many things that give me energy and life. And I don’t mean coffee, I mean self care.

I don’t workout regularly, I don’t step into the sunshine enough, I don’t eat right and I’m not surrounding by positive, life giving people. My job is dark and because I work from home, it feels like the darkness permeates my life. Whenever I’m not working, I just want to be in bed. How does one manage the separation when you’re stuck working at home? I often plan to go work at a coffee shop or restaurant but when it comes to the follow through, I never do it. It feels like I’m just stuck. It feels like all the things I recommend to my clients, I don’t do myself. The hypocrisy of it eats at me.

I fucking have so much self-improvement to do. I have so much coping to learn. I have so much trauma to work through.

That’s what this is going to be. A look into the rawest part of me, a deep dive so that hopefully, at some point we find out who the fuck I am together. I’m just hoping that documenting the process of finding my light helps someone, anyone who’s going through something similar. Welcome to my diary.

xx Dahlia